Outsiders and Hanover

A Sermon About Welcoming Gender Different People in the Church

Preached at Hanover Street Presbyterian Church

On May 2, 2004

By Larry Peterson

Texts:

Luke 4: 16-29

He (Jesus) went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom.  And he stood up to read.  The scroll of the Prophet Isaiah was handed to him.  Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written: "The Spirit of the lord is on me, because he has anointed me too preach good news to the poor.  He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the lord's favor."  Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down.  The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, and he began by saying to them, "Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing."  All spoke well of him and were amazed at the gracious words that came from his lips.  "Isn't this Joseph's son?  They asked, Jesus said to them, "Surely you will quote this proverb to me: ?Physician, heal yourself!  Do here in your hometown what we have heard that you did in Capernaum.  I tell you the truth," he continued," no prophet is accepted in his hometown.  I assure you that there were many widows in Israel in Elijah's time, when the sky was shut for three and a half years and there was a severe famine throughout the land.  Yet Elijah was not sent to any of them, but to a widow in Zarephath in the region of Sidon.  And there were many in Israel with leprosy in the time of Elisha the prophet, yet not one of them was cleansed?only Naaman the Syrian.  All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this.  They got up, drove him out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him down the cliff.

Sermon Text

Introduction

Today's sermon is the second in a three-part series of sermons that addresses the subject of homosexuality and the church.  Last Sunday Tom presented an overview of "gender different" people and explained why this is important to we Christians.  Today I will share 6 stories?I originally had 9 stories to share?but because of time I will omit three of them.  These stories relate bad experiences that gays and lesbians have had with their churches because of being gay.  There are a number of reasons to share these stories with you.  One is that heterosexuals rarely have the opportunity to hear experiences that reveal how wounded many gay men and women are because of what has happened to them.  Another reason is that if we at Hanover truly wish to move from being what may best be described as "gay tolerant" to "gay friendly" we need to know these stories or others like them. 

In a sermon delivered over a year or so ago, I remember Tom Davis commenting that it was not enough for black and white members of this congregation to smile and be nice to one another.  We need to truly learn about one another.  So I hope today to provide a little insight today into a why "gender different" people may not feel comfortable at Hanover Presbyterian.  Today I wish to share some things that have happened in the past?. unfortunate things, things that many of us would like to ignore.  I predict that you will be surprised by the stories that I will share with you today.  I assure you that all of them are true and were shared with me personally.  Since none of the stories I have selected to share with you are positive experiences, I hasten to tell you that I do not intend that any of you feel that I am "beating up on you or beating up on Hanover."  I simply believe that before we can approach the non-heterosexual community as Christians with any credibility we need to know what kind of experiences that some men and women have had with their churches.  We need to walk in their footsteps as it were.  We need to know that many of them are wounded from their bad religious experiences.

Before I share these stories of events that happened in churches outside of Hanover Presbyterian Church, I would like you to know how I met many of the people whose stories I am sharing with you today.  For the past ten years, I have had a private ministry? perhaps it is not so private since it is a combination of Internet ministry and meeting with men individually and in groups?.  But most people at Hanover or at the University of Delaware or most of my Delaware friends know nothing about this ministry.  When I came out to myself in the fall of 1995, I joined an Internet group for married men who are gay or bisexual.  It was exhilarating to realize that there were other men in the world like me who were married but believed they were gay or bi.  Four months later, I came out to my wife Cindy and then created an Internet list for married men who were out to their wives.  You see most of the men on the list I was already in were NOT out to their wives.  I wanted to share my interaction with my wife with other men in my situation.  It was important to be able to share my wife's experiences also.  First, I approached 6 men who I knew were out to their wives and asked them if they would join me in a list so that we could talk about our experiences.  All six responded yes.  We shared within the larger group that I had started a new Internet group for men out to their wives.  Within days 35 men contacted me to join.  Within the next six months our numbers grew to 200 men, which is the size that the list or Internet group has remained since the list was created in February 1996!!  Yes, 200 married men joined who identify as gay or bisexual and had shared their sexuality with their wives.  After starting that group I hosted 5 annual meetings for those men in different cities.  First we met in Baltimore, then two years in a row we met in Chicago, then we met in Seattle, and then in Philadelphia.  Last year, the men met in Toronto.  In addition to those gatherings, my wife Cindy and I hosted 4 gatherings for those men and their wives.  We held three in Lewes Delaware and one in Florida.  Also I published an article about these men?.  The article is entitled "The Married Man Online" and it appears in a book and a professional journal.  The last time I looked, the book was on the shelf at Borders as well as another book written about my group with a dedication honoring my work with the men on what I like to call "my list."  Now, here are 6 stories that I wish to share.

Story No. 1:  Glen (in Wichita, Kansas).

Glen was 30 years old when he joined my list and shared his situation.  He was an active member of the Church of the Nazarene.  When he informed his wife that he thought he was gay, she called his parents in Canada.  His father immediately flew to Wichita, went to the local church where Glen and his wife were active to denounce his son to the elders of the congregation and insist that they shun him until he came to his senses.  His father took Glen's enfant daughter and wife back to Canada with him and before he left demanded that Glen turn over all assets and promise to send all future earnings to his father to support Glen's wife and baby daughter!  A final condition was that he agree to never see his daughter again in his lifetime!  When Glen called me, he was distraught and ready to end his life.  Since I grew up in Kansas, in fact my mother still lives there, my heart just went out to Glen in his situation with his parents in another country.  I also know first-hand how conservative many Kansans are.  So I made a pact with myself to help Glen any way that I could.  Over the next several months, Glen and I spoke weekly on the phone.  By the time we ceased to interact, he was in a healthy state and was prepared to move ahead with his life in a positive way, no longer contemplating suicide.  He hired a lawyer to assist him to get visiting privileges with his daughter.

Story No. 2: Susan (in Wilmington, Delaware)

Susan shared with me last month that in early March of 2004 her nephew was baptized right here in our own city and in a Presbyterian church.  It is a large Presbyterian church that was holding a baptism service for a group of members.  "Susan" related to me that (I am quoting Susan here) "My partner dropped me off at the church entrance and I went inside.  After my girlfriend parked the car, she walked towards the building and a couple that was standing by the door said to her ?I don't think you are in the right place."  She just looked at them and kept on walking.  After she passed them, the man said, "I don't think you belong here."  She continued walking, but now she was in tears." UNQUOTE  "Susan" didn't learn until later what the couple had said to her partner.  "Susan's" concluding comments to me were these: "We went to celebrate the baptism of my 1 yr-old nephew but the day was filled with tears, hurt, anger and disbelief that someone from a church that professes to be open and to accept every type of person would actually have the audacity to say something like that to a stranger.  What a way to welcome a visitor!"

Story 3: Dale (in Salt Lake City)

Dale was in his mid-thirties when he came out to his wife.  Since they were Mormon, they had been pressured, according to Dale's comments to me, to adopt two children.  After his wife shared with their bishop that Dale had told her he was gay, the bishop and elders from his congregation visited Dale's home.  While Dale sat in a chair in the middle of the circle of church elders, he was berated and belittled because he thought he was gay.  The bishop walked to Dale's desk and discovered that one drawer was locked.  Evidently the bishop assumed that there were incriminating items in the drawer so he demanded that Dale unlock the drawer for the bishop to investigate.  Keep in mind that all of this is happening in Dale's own home!  Dale refused so the bishop tore the drawer apart to remove it from the desk.  There was nothing in the drawer but Dale's will and some other legal documents.  The bishop then walked into the front yard and tore from the ground every flower and bush that Dale had planted there.  You see, gardening is Dale's hobby.

Since this story relates to the Mormon faith I will share that I recently saw the movie Latter Days, which is one of the "hit gay" movies of this year.  In the movie, the Mormon youth?a young missionary--is forcefully sent to an asylum by his parents where he undergoes repeated electric shock treatment to his genitals to convince him to change.  Unfortunately, up until this year the standard treatment for Mormon youth who were underage who admitted they were gay were to be treated to this type of shock treatment.  Their parents were the ones who signed their son's into Mormon-controlled asylums.  The Mormon Church now claims they have ceased this treatment.

Story No. 4: Eric (Independent Baptist in Charlotte N.C.,)

 After coming out to his her, Eric's wife asked their pastor to counsel with him.  Eric said that since he had attended a conservative Christian university, he believed that scripture is the ultimate authority concerning behavior and values.  Eric shared with me that he had spent several weeks studying the "clobber" passages in the Bible (you know what we mean by "clobber" passages, right? ?  Tom Davis referred to this term last week? the passages in the Bible that criticize homosexual behavior).  Eric commented that he noticed that those passages do not relate to long-term, exclusive and loving same-sex relationships.  Still, Eric worried about those passages.  The word origins or translations were open to interpretation, so Eric had doubts about what he calls the "truth."  It was at this point that his pastor made a "surprise" visit.  Eric was prepared for an honest discussion that might shed more light on the matter.  Eric had attended the pastor's church for 15 years and had often spent time with the pastor alone.  Unfortunately the pastor terminated discussion when Eric started to talk.  He refused to respond to specific, pointed references or discussion points.  He spoke only in generalities, comparing Eric's orientation to the minister's own predisposition to look upon a woman with lust and pursue lustful fantasies if unchecked.  It was the minister's duty to control such thoughts and he told Eric that it was Eric's duty to terminate or control any thoughts of being gay.  Eric found the whole experience baffling, insensitive, and contrary to what he'd expected from a "learned biblical scholar."  Eric felt totally frustrated that his pastor appeared not to be equipped to offer more assistance to Eric at this crisis point."

Story No. 5 Jack (in Wilmington, a Methodist)

Jack decided while in the early stages of coming out that he would talk to his assistant minister about his gay feelings upon which he had not acted.  Upon sharing with his minister that he felt he was gay, the minister started yelling at Jack, physically shaking him to cast out a demon.  The minister strongly recommended that Jack undergo an exorcism where he would be tied down to a table to go through a more formal "casting out" process.  Jack, who at the time was in seminary, decided to leave both the congregation and the seminary.  Jack, at this point, became suicidal but decided he could withstand almost anything if he knew that God still loved him.  Jack related to me that  "still looking outside of me instead of within (my major mistake), I went to five different clergy persons to explain my gay feelings and ask the fundamental question, ?does God still love me?'  I went to a Methodist minister, a Lutheran minister, a Presbyterian minister, a Catholic priest, and a rabbi.  All five of them told me that god did not and/or could not love me anymore as long as I had these feelings.  Being unable to rid myself of the feelings, I planned to commit suicide."  I am now going to let Jack finish his story.  He wrote what I am about to read to you yesterday and I wish you to hear it in his own words.

"At this point, an emergency work trip came up where I had to make a stop at the research center in Alsace, France and then go on to Egypt where we were having a serious regulatory problem.  I literally got the news one day and left the next . . . it left me no time to act on my suicidal thoughts.  I didn't sleep at all during the night in Alsace and was physically very sick (though I think it was psychologically induced).  Once I got to Egypt, I felt better.  I love the Middle East . . . it's like "home" to me, and my spirits lifted.  I was there for almost a week.  When I was getting on the plane in Cairo to return to the States I started thinking about what I needed to face again and the suicidal thoughts I had had and what I should do.  On the plane sitting next to me was an old lady (Turkish, living in Egypt, Muslim) with the ?whole old-lady look'  . . . scarved head, bent over, hooked nose, wrinkled, etc.  Looking at her I didn't expect to be able to communicate with her; however, she spoke English surprisingly well.  We chatted small talk, then there was an announcement to take our seats to taxi for take-off, and she got up to go to her seat and grabbed my arm warmly (which seemed odd) and said that we must talk again during the flight.  During the flight, I became sadder and sadder thinking about my situation.  At one point I got up and went to the back of the plane to get something non-alcoholic to drink.  When I looked up, the old lady was coming towards me; we started to chat again, and she said,' I must tell you something and you must listen carefully to what I say.  There is a great heaviness on your heart, but you must not let it destroy you.  Allah makes some people who are different from all the others, and this is because they are the only vessels that can hold the message.'  And then she put her hand on my arm and said, ?I must return to my seat now' and walked away (very quickly for such an old lady).  I went back to my seat and spent much of the rest of the flight to Paris crying. 

When I got to Paris, I had to take one of the busses to a different section of the airport.  The bus is designed with single seats on either side facing each other (on the same side) and a big aisle for standing.  I was one of the first on and took a seat.  Then many, many people came on . . . all the seats filled except the one facing me.  Then the aisle filled with people and luggage, but still no one sat in the seat facing me.  Then, just before the doors were going to close, this same old lady gets on the bus and sits in the seat facing me.  I am going two stops . . . the ride to the first stop is only a minute or two . . . during that time, the old lady grabs my arm again warmly and says, "you must remember everything that I have said" . . . the bus stops and the old lady gets off the bus and disappears into the airport building along with some other people, and the bus takes off for the next stop.  I've never seen her again, and I don't even know her name, but those words from an old Turkish, Muslim woman living in Egypt and traveling through Paris saved my life."

Story No. 6: Tim in Houston, a Southern Baptist.

As close as I became to Glen, the subject of my first story today, I became even closer to Tim in Houston?.  So close in fact that he and I now regard each other as family and stay in constant touch via the telephone or email.  When I first met Tim a year ago, he was very fragile? had been in and out of asylums because of the instability created by a mother and father who, from the time he was a preschooler, tormented him cruelly to prevent Tim from becoming or being gay.  I will not share any of the things his father did to him?. things that still make me furious to even think about?. but what I wish to share with you involves an incident in his Baptist congregation, a congregation of over 10,000 members with televised services.  In one service, a young man was told publicly in front of the whole congregation that he had to denounce his homosexuality and vow to change his ways or he would no longer be accepted and would have to leave the church.  The young man decided to leave.  Tim and his parents witnessed this incident, an experience that still haunts Tim.  During the public chastisement of the young man, Tim's parents (seated on either side of him) kept jabbing him in the ribs.  After that service, Tim who I have come to learn is very sensitive said he still becomes nauseas every time he returns to that church, which he does occasionally to worship with his parents.  Tim, by the way, is now in his mid-30's.

Conclusion

I could relate more stories of experiences that men and women have had with their families of faith.  In fact, an earlier draft of this sermon had 9 stories (as I indicated earlier).  Some of these are very cruel, some humiliating.  But why, you still may ask, am I sharing them? 

We Christians claim to serve a god of love, a god that forgives.  We are asked to love one another, to love our enemy.  Why then do "church people" (Christians) act in such negative ways to men and women who differ from those of us that see ourselves as heterosexual?  As a gay man, I ask you, "Do you believe that Jesus would treat gay men and women this way?" 

There is another reason we need to preach on this topic that I hope is now plain from my stories of abuse.  Gender different people have been so beat up by churches that many are suspicious of all churches.  Therefore, if we want to truly welcome them, we have to be willing to "talk about it."                                           

Just to issue a welcome statement and then not take any other steps that affirm them, including talking about life as they experience it, must seem to them a cool welcome indeed.  What if Hanover did nothing to truly welcome African Americans?  What if we didn't have discussions about multi-culturalism, didn't have African-American history month, didn't sing African American spirituals?  Then Hanover's celebration of multi-racial diversity wouldn't ring true.  It's the same with our statement of welcome designed to include gender different people.

What IS our mission at Hanover Presbyterian Church regarding men and women who are not heterosexual?  I am not suggesting an answer today; I am raising a question.  But I suggest there is a difference between being "gay tolerant" and being "gay friendly."  I chose to apply for the organ position at Hanover because I understood from the mission statement that appears in last Sunday's and today's bulletin that I would be welcome here and I could be myself in this congregation.  Before interviewing with the search committee I asked the director of music and the interim pastor if I should share with the search committee that I am gay, even though at that time I was married.  The response from both people was "no, it will not be an issue at Hanover; my sexuality will not be an issue here."  In general, I have found that to be true.  I am truly thankful that Hanover has welcomed me.  And members of this congregation were very supportive after I shared my story in a Sunday Class on diversity several years ago.  It seems to me that Hanover continues to grow in the love and grace of God.  I came to Hanover because I truly believe this is the "church of the future."

But in conclusion I wish to underline the statement that pastor Tom made to us regarding racial differences saying that it is not enough to be friendly to people of different races, I suggest today it is not enough only to be friendly or tolerant towards people who are "gender different."  As I stated at the beginning of today's sermon, non-heterosexual people of faith have few opportunities to share their stories with heterosexual people of faith.  I am grateful that the worship committee and minister at Hanover have given me the opportunity today to share six stories with you.  Amen.