Galatians 4: 1-7

Heirs, as long as they are minors, are no better than slaves, though they are the owners of all the property; but they remain under guardians and trustees until the date set by the father. So with us; while we were minors, we were enslaved to the elemental spirits of the world. But when the fullness of time had come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, in order to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as children. And because you are children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!" So you are no longer a slave but a child, and if a child then also an heir, through God.

Matthew 12: 46-50

While Jesus was speaking to the crowds, his mother and his brothers were standing outside, wanting to speak to him. Someone told him, "Look, your mother and your brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you." But to the one who had told him this, Jesus replied, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" And pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."

Sermon Text

The fifth commandment is often cited on Fathers' Day: "Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." To honor is to show respect for someone because of what he or she has accomplished, or because of the position that he or she holds. Notice that the commandment to honor parents is not conditional. It doesn't say: Honor your parents only if they deserve to be honored, only if they have been good parents, treating you respectfully, and with compassion. No, the commandment just says: Honor your mother and father. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Honor them just because they are your parents.

I just finished the Pulitzer Prize winning novel Gilead, which is about three generations of pastors and their sons. The author, Marilynne Robinson, is very realistic about family relationships. The pastors she describes in her book are not ideal parents; and Robinson dispels the idea that any parent can be an ideal parent. She writes that all parents damage their children. When I read that sentence it cut me like a knife. I wanted to protest that there are at least some exceptions, aren't there? That sounds so bitter: that all parents damage their children! (I wanted to save at least myself and my parents from the indictment). But Robinson doesn't flinch from truth telling. Children are like glass, she writes. We leave our smudges on them, inevitably--not out of malice, but just because no parent is perfect. No one has to pass a test of character to become a parent, and few parents are fully matured by the time that they bring children into the world, so their own unrepaired damages, their own unresolved insecurities smudge the way they parent, and the damage gets passed down.

So, if all parents damage their children, how can children reasonably be expected to honor their parents? The question gets sharper the more serious the damaging is. What about the mother who abandons her children. Must children honor such a mother? Or, what about a father who sexually molests his child. Must he too be honored? The answer is by no means simple. A morally outraged observer may quickly answer for the victim. No! No! Such a parent does not deserve to be honored! But the answer is not so easy for the victim, for the child wants above all to have a loving parent, and will often deny obvious harm to self to preserve the appearance that mom or dad is after all a good parent. To be truly loved by the people who bring us into the world is a deep, deep human need. When that need has not been satisfied, often even adult children will pretend that it has, to protect themselves from disappointment and the shock of acknowledging their shame for their parents' failings.

I almost shied away from this painful material. "It's Fathers' Day, Tom," said a wary angel on my shoulder. "For heaven's sake, don't rain on their parade! There are good fathers in the congregation. Talk about them!"

Yes, of course, there are good fathers. And they should be praised. I'm happy to do that today. It's a pleasure to praise good fathers. But what about sons and daughters who did not get the love from their dads that they wanted and deserved, and have managed to stop pretending that they did-- What about them? On Fathers' Day they must feel like some people do at Christmas time. So many people urge them to be happy, but they just can't be happy, because all's not right in their world. Their family subtext isn't what you read on a Hall Mark card. How can this preacher help damaged children like that? Stressing the nobility of fatherhood just makes matters worse, for it increases the painful disconnect between the celebrated ideal and the reality they have experienced. So then, are there cases when it's all right not even to try to obey the fifth commandment? Can we simply admit that some parents just don't deserve to be honored?

The Wednesday Bible study class chewed on this gristle. People shared deeply and honestly. There are some damaged adult children in that class who are not afraid anymore to say so. Even they were not in favor of abandoning the commandment to honor parents. Even bad parents, they insisted, deserve to be honored. However, we must be careful, they said, how we understand that word. Honoring does not in all cases mean respecting a person's behavior. Honoring a parent may not necessarily imply that you condone what he or she has done to you, or failed to do. To properly understand the ethics of honoring, they said, you have to consider the role which forgiveness plays in it. To honor a parent who has wronged you, and wronged you grievously, you must forgive, they said. And to forgive is not the same as excusing an abuse. To forgive is not to forget. In fact, to forgive a parent, a damaged child must first acknowledge his or her hurt, and name the wrong. This is an important step towards maturity. Only from a position of greater maturity can a damaged child begin to see an abusive parent as a damaged child himself or herself. To see a parent in that way is something like taking God's point of view. From that compassionate perspective it becomes possible to forgive--not to forget, but to forgive, that is, to put the wrong behind you, to stop grieving about it, to accept the regret that you will not likely ever get what you wanted from that parent, and then, to move on. Judith Viorst, in writing about the soul work of middle age says that there are necessary losses you must accept in order to navigate through that time of trial. One of these losses is experienced through the nagging, lingering yearning that your parents will finally be the parents you always wanted. In most cases, they are not capable of becoming so. Oddly enough, such yearning may not stop even if one's parents are dead!

This is such a terrible loss: to give up hoping for the good-enough parent you always wanted, but never got. How can you move on with that big a hole in your heart?

Well, one thing you can do is adopt a parent. Jesus indicated that one's truest family is not defined by blood relationships. The truest, deepest family anyone has are the people whose deepest commitments coincide with one's own. "Who are my mother and my brothers?" Jesus quizzed. "Whoever does the will of my Father is my mother and my brother," he answered.

You have heard that blood is thicker than water. But blood relationships are not stronger than the one which water seals as we enter this community of damaged people yearning to be loved and to love in turn. By the water of our baptism we enter into a community of people who have adopted God as a loving, guiding parent. That's what Paul explained in his letter to the Galatians: Once you were enslaved to the elemental spirits of this world. But then, God sent the spirit of Jesus into your hearts, and that spirit caused you to cry Abba! That spirit persuaded you to adopt God as your Father.

The hole in your heart aching to be filled can be filled if you adopt God as your parent, and if you recognize the presence of God's spirit in other human beings, and adopt them as your mentors, your earthly surrogate parents. Perhaps you yourself may be adopted as a surrogate parent. This only rarely happens in a formal way, such as when Godparents stand for a child's baptism. Usually, the adoption of soul-parents happens subtly, without ceremony. In fact, the person adopting a soul parent may not be consciously aware of what he or she is doing. Often, the one adopted is more aware. If you become aware that you have been adopted as a soul-parent, you don't even have to speak about what you know has happened. Just go on being you. It is a lovely privilege to have this role in another's life. Take this as God's blessing, and bless that other child of God just by being you.